In this edition of Stupid Criminals, we find a man in such need of sex he called 911 to report his girlfriend wouldn't have sex with him.

According to The Smoking Gun, 53-year-old Patrick Doggett of Spartanburg, South Carolina was drinking all day on Monday, and when he got home he wanted to have sex with his girlfriend.

But she wasn't into it, because she was babysitting her grandchild.

That upset Doggett a lot, so upset that he actually called 911 to complain that his girlfriend wouldn't have sex with him, or as he so eloquently put it, "She wouldn't give me any ass."

The police came to the house and found Doggett outside, still drinking.  He was arrested for public intoxication, but somehow missed out on the "misuse of 911" charge.