Thoughts From The Satellite: 5 Ways to Fail a Sobriety Test
Since Summer is coming to an end soon, I thought that I'd take a few minutes to reflect on the joys of my favorite season. Summer usually means outdoor drinking and long hours of public drinking for some. A lot of you reading this may go to a concert outside during the day where you will be consuming a large quantities of alcoholic beverages. This can sometimes be good for you and bad for the people around you. If you get too plastered out in public, you are bound to attract some law enforcement. This usually entails having to take a field sobriety test to see if you are getting a ticket for public intoxication or worse, a drunk and disorderly charge. If you find yourself in this situation, it may be best to make it a point not to do any of the following things. Because if you do, you are definitely going to be getting a ride downtown. Here's the list.
5. Using Numbers When Saying The Alphabet- There could very well be a time when an officer asks you to recite the alphabet, maybe even backwards. But, trust me when I tell you that you really should keep all of those numbers in your head to yourself. This is one equation that doesn't require digits. “Z, Y, X, U, V, T, R S, 7, 8, U, X, LMNOP, 5” is not the correct answer. Save all of those numbers for when you're in the drunk tank trying to figure out how many hours until you get out.
4. Touching Someone Else's Nose- It's important to remember that when the officer asks you to touch your nose, that you actually touch your own and not his. If you do happen to touch his nose, by all means, do not grab it and say, "I stole your nose". This is not only a sign that you are drunk but might also get you cited for some sort of petty theft charge.
3. Presidents of the United States of America- Sometimes cops will throw you an easy question just to get an idea of exactly how fucked up your Jager-fueled brain is. One of the questions that they like to ask is, "Name the last five presidents". The correct answer is not “Obama, Bush, Nixon and Aquaman.” No matter how much you want it to be true, this is not the right answer. You see this is a trick. They want to make sure you can count and you still have some sort of semblance of past events. You only named four people in your answer and that’s a BIG red flag for the boys in blue. You have failed my friend. And Aquaman? Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. We all know fish can't vote.
2. Playing the Breathalyzer Kazoo- In case you weren't aware, the breathalyzer is NOT a musical instrument. I don't care how many shots of Jack you had, Dixie should not be played on the breathalyzer. And it doesn't matter how badly you have the urge to play Tom Sawyer, when it gets pushed into your mouth, you should refrain from playing it. Because everyone knows that breathalyzers (a) don’t get good acoustics unless you are using them in a tunnel and (b) if the cop is not a Rush fan, well you're just gonna piss him off. Save your one-man show for the skin flute down at county.
1. Throwing Up- Nothing says I've had way too much to drink and I need to go home more than puking out in public. There is nothing as heartbreaking or disgusting as seeing someone leaning over a garbage can in the parking lot of a concert just losing the 18 bottles of Bud Light they drank today. Puking after drinking is the universal sign for “I have no business being in public when I’m this drunk.” If you puke in front of a cop, you are officially out of options. And if you puke on his shoes, well Hoss, you're officially under arrest. So whatever you do, don't let 'em see you lose your lunch. Otherwise you’ll end up having lunch in county lockup sometime real soon.