Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? Labor Day, Family and Strippers
Labor Day is fast approaching. It’s one last chance to gather the family for the summer and celebrate. Fire up the grill and crack open a cold one. It’s been a long summer and you’ve earned it. We, here at KBAT, feel it’s our duty to keep the public informed, kinda like a Public Service Announcement for all of you that are finally ready to introduce your new girlfriend to the family… and she just happens to be a stripper! You’re welcome, in advance.
We all know, love has no boundaries, even when it's hanging upside down on a pole and wearing a g-string. So, after a few drinks and a couple lap dances after CrudeFest, you were shot by Cupid's arrow or maybe it was a spring poking from the couch in the V.I.P. area. Either way, Candy or Taffy or whatever her name might be is who you wanna spend the rest of your life with and you worked up the courage to ask her out. Things have gone well and after a months you feel it is time to introduce this Goddess to the family. Hell, you're in love and you're basically supporting this girl anyway. Even if it is one dollar at a time. You've accepted her job as " pure entertainment" Her, somewhat checkered, past is behind her and her probation is almost complete. You've told your mom that you met someone and and she is your soul mate. Sure, you lied and said that you met at church. So what! You'll let her know that your new girlfriend is a stripper, I mean dancer, sooner or later. But, there's really no need to ruin the magic of the first meeting between your "Dancing Queen" and your family. You have to ease into the bombshell of "I'm dating a stripper", especially in your parent’s backyard on Labor Day and that takes a little planning.
First, get your story straight. You met at church. Your eyes met as you were both giving donations to the poor. You asked her out and enjoyed a nice lunch at Luby's. Where you both had turkey and ate all your vegetables. When talking about church, it's better not to bring up anything about kneeling, confession or taking communion. There's just too may pitfalls to avoid there.
Also, know what your parents are cooking for dinner. Make sure that nothing your mom cooks can be eaten with fingers. It might be really sexy when she's fondling a couple kiwis or gently nibbling on a pickle, but you have to remove that temptation and make sure that she uses a fork and knife. Also, make sure your old man is not grilling up any red meat. That's a sure-fire way for your new girlfriend to make a joke about "liking your meat". And no fish, for obvious reasons.
When it comes to topics of discussion, you have to control the environment. Avoid conversations about sports. The only thing your stripper/girlfriend knows about sports is that she gets paid more when the Cowboys win. Politics is also a banned subject, especially local politics. Your little angel has probably conducted more than one "straw poll" with the mayor and a few city councilmen. And since her family probably consists of a few half-brothers, step-sisters and one of those "not-my-real-dad" stories, just stay clear of family talk.
Don't forget to discuss what she'll wear to your parent's house. Make sure she understands that "nice" doesn't mean "crotchless". Tell her that your dad likes to keep the house kind of chilly and that she should wear long sleeves or even a sweater. This will not only hide her tattoos and track marks, but it will also keep her cleavage to a minimum. Hopefully. Rule of thumb, if she asks, "is this too slutty?", then it probably is.
Surviving the initial meeting is crucial. If you're successful, then you can bring her around every once and awhile just to make it easier when the time comes to break the news. And hopefully your dad doesn't visit the same clubs you do. But, if he does, that just might be a card you can use later.