Santa Claus, the beloved embodiment of the Yuletide season, committed suicide by drinking a vial of poison eggnog following his guilty verdict by a war crimes tribunal in The Hague this week.

Claus, also known by his nom de guerres "Kris Kringle" and "Pere Noel", was convicted by the tribunal for his part in the brutal "War Against Christmas" that has raged for the past several years. After hearing testimony from current and former Fox News hosts Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly as well as U.S. President Donald Trump, Claus was found guilty of war crimes against Christmas by giving his approval for Starbucks in 2008 to put out holiday coffee cups without a picture of the baby Jesus on them.

Claus had argued that he was not the one who had approved the Starbucks Satan Cups and that it was a secret cabal of militant, jihadist elves that had orchestrated the switch without his knowledge.

The video shows Santa speaking in his native Icelandic before he guzzles the poisoned nog. The English translation of what he is say is, "I deny that I have ever betrayed Christmas! To those watching, tell your children I did this because they were naughty!"

The following images are disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised.

Okay, what actually happened is that this guy is a war criminal, and instead of being convicted, he decided to take the coward's way out with some poison. (I think my story's better, if we're being honest.)

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