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Chinese Doctors Invent Hands-Free Sperm Extractor

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When the perils of roughing up the old walrus finally take their grimacing toll, leaving you with nothing but the eyes of a desperate man staring down at a quivering fistful of carpal boner, perhaps its time to consider a hands free pecker-jacker.

Lucky for you guys, there is now such an invention.

That’s right boys, the Chinese have done it. The Zhengzhou Central Hospital has developed a hands free sperm extractor that is being marketed as a supposed ‘release assistant’ for men with infertility issues.

We don’t buy it. There appears to be only one solid use for this high-end Black and Decker pecker wrecker, and that is to pull the puds of lazy masturbators all over the world. Don’t misunderstand us: We’re excited about the possibilities.

This twisted little sideshow erection set can be adjusted to accommodate a person’s height, and can be set to specific temperatures, amplitude, frequency and speed. We’ll take the 98.6 degree drunken alley hump preset, please.

With a price tag of nearly $3,000, it’s clear that this contraption was designed for the upscale electro-jerker with discriminating taste. Perhaps one sweet, sweet day Medicaid will pay for this stand-n-jerk the same way they do the penis pump. If that never happens, hopefully someone finds a way to market it as a juicer, so we can purchase it at Walmart, like every woman’s favorite ‘Back Massager,’ the Hitachi Magic Wand.  (Female Assistant Editor note: Buy this for your girlfriend like, yesterday.)

After watching the video we wonder if some of the more sadistic beasts in the bunch couldn’t duct tape a double dong rubber fist to this Armageddon device and enjoy a dominatrix style jimmy beat down prior to receiving their mechanical orgasm.

Nikola Tesla would be proud.

Next: Eel Gets Lodged Up Dude's Butt

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