Here in west Texas we have Snipes but over in the American Pacific Northwest they hunt a bigger game.  Something hairy, big, grumpy, aloof and hard to photograph….and no, it’s not my dad, although that’s a very good guess.  Supposedly there’s an evolutionary link between humans and our ape ancestors and Bigfoot is that link.  In 2010, during the winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada, the Quatchi was based on this mythology.  You can always find claims of Bigfoot spotting’s anywhere near forests so from California to Canada, it’s Sasquatch country.  Somehow enthusiasts were even able to enlist the US government’s assistance in the quest to confirm the existence of, what sounds to me like, a big, hairy, naked dude wandering around in the woods.  The FBI just released records that show that, Peter Byrne, then director of the Bigfoot Information Center and Exhibition of Oregon (yes, it’s a real thing), convinced the federal bureau to help with the investigation of materials he believed would confirm the creatures existence.  He sent them 15 hairs and a small piece of skin to be tested.  In response, Byrne received a letter from Jay Cochran Jr., assistant director of the agency’s scientific division saying that “The FBI laboratory conducts investigations primarily of physical evidence for law enforcement agencies in connection with criminal investigations,” he went on to say “Occasionally, on a case-by-case basis, in the interest of research and scientific inquiry, we make exceptions to this policy.  With this understanding, we will examine the hairs and tissue…”.  I have to pause for just a second to try and understand how someone could convince themselves that they’ve discovered the existence of a half-ape, half-man, that somehow hasn’t been discovered before…. Anyway, ole boy sent off his hairs and the skin he assured the FBI would once and for all prove the existence of sasquatch and you’ll never guess what happened.  Turns out the FBI has a pretty sophisticated array of scientific testing equipment in a big ass lab where they’re normally doing things like testing DNA to find murderers or deconstructing complex bombs and catching terrorists.  In that fancy lab they were able to figure out the origins of the material Byrne sent them in a snap.

“The hairs which you recently delivered to the FBI Laboratory on behalf of The Bigfoot Information Center and Exhibition have been examined by transmitted and incident light microscopy.  The examination included a study of morphological characteristics such as root structure, medullary structure and cuticle thickness in addition to scale casts.  Also, the hairs were compared directly with hairs of known origin under a comparison microscope.”  Damn, so yeah, they went above and beyond for this guy.  After a thorough examinations of the hairs, the FBI lab concluded that they were “ of deer family origin”.  Tough break bro.  They sent the samples back to Byrne with the information they found and I think it’s safe to say he was considerably disappointed.  I’m just impressed they did all that work.




More From The Basin's Classic Rock