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Trump is About to Pardon a Turkey — We Lay Odds on How He Will ‘F’ It Up

National Thanksgiving Turkey Presented To Media Ahead Of Wednesday's White House Pardon
Getty Images

The dopey tradition of the President pardoning a turkey goes back many decades and has been an “official” duty since 1989. Today (in about 15 minutes as I’m writing this), Donald Trump will give his first presidential pardon to a turkey (not counting Joe Arapio).

Turkey-pardoning is one of those traditions that nobody can screw up. So, how will Donald Trump find a way to screw it up? Here are our current odds.

(Remember, I’m writing this in the past. So if I nail this, just remember that I called it BEFORE the Great Cluster-Gobble-F**k of 2017 or whatever history books will call it.)

  • 7-1 that Trump will reverse all of Barack Obama’s previous turkey pardons.
  • 1-1 odds that after the Turkey doesn’t sufficiently praise him for his pardon, Trump will criticize the turkey on Twitter and send Jared out with an ax.
  • 3-1 that he will use it to attack either one of his predecessors or Hillary.
  • 5-1 that the turkey will attack him like the bald eagle did that time he tried to do a “patriotic” photo shoot.

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God, that funny! It’s almost as if the eagle, as our national bird, has the innate ability to smell out a Russian plant.

Oh, boy! Just five minutes until the pardoning begins! I sincerely hope Trump doesn’t botch this turkey pardoning. After all, it’s just a matter of time until some turkey (probably Pence) will have pardon Trump.

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