If you are buying a Valentine's Day card today, I bet you won't find any with these greetings on them.

  • Not for all the tea in China will I let you near my vagina.
  • With you in my life, things couldn't be sweeter, unless I could smell the finger of Derek Jeter.
  • Words cannot express the effect you have on me, okay one does: Erection.
  • It is better to have loved and lost, than to have stayed in this loveless, 20-year sham of a marriage like I did.
  • I'm taking you to any restaurant you choose, as long as I can numb your awfulness with booze.
  • On Valentine's Day, you know whats best? Seeing you with bigger breasts.
  • When it comes to love, I want no other. So don't get mad that I slept with your brother.
  • You are the one I love.  With your sister, it's just a sex thing.
  • As I think back on all our years together, I just get sad because I could have done a lot better.
  • With you it was love at first sight, but that's all over because of all your cellulite.
  • All I want for Valentine's Day is you...to get me another beer.
  • God must have spent a little more time on you, before finally giving up in disgust.

There are some greetings you will not find on any cards this year. Enjoy, and Happy Valentine's Day.