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Top Reasons You Shouldn’t Go to the Gym

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January is gone and we are halfway through February so if you haven’t worn out your ‘get in shape’ resolution, this should do it.

  • You will never get to be like the guy pictured above, because you love Whataburger too much.
  • Your couch already has the imprint of your butt on it.  The gym’s stationary bike does not.
  • No Twix in the snack machines.
  • That’s $39.99 a month you could be spending on cigarettes and beer.
  • You vowed to start working out once Leno was gone for good, and there’s just no proof yet.
  • You’re already dangerously close to being irresistible to women.
  • You haven’t seen your feet in 15 years, so you’re kind of scared to.
  • As hard as it is to believe, a place where every single wall is lined with mirrors tends to attract some raging narcissists.
  • There’s just something wrong with a bunch of people claiming they’re focused on getting in shape, yet fighting over the closest parking spot so they don’t have to walk an extra five feet to the front door of the place they’re working out.
  • If you wanted to touch things covered in other peoples’ sweat, you would go to Walmart.
  • That one dude who’s always naked in the locker room keeps asking you for a hug.
  • Why pay someone to yell at you for being fat and lazy when you’re already married?
  • You always end up in a nasty brawl with some rich old cougar over the five pound weights.
  • That’s just one more hour spent away from Cinnabon.

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