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The Smallest Penis Contest Is Real and It’s Hilarious


Winning this contest isn’t exactly a big deal.

There will be a Smallest Penis Contest in Brooklyn, New York on July 20. And you thought the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest was the most intense wiener competition in the area.

According to a Craigslist ad promoting the event, “good things can come in small packages.” That’s true – diamonds, Lindt chocolate and that dude from ‘Game of Thrones’ are all examples. But, someone’s manhood? Good luck finding a woman who’ll go to bat for you on that one.

The winner will be chosen by a “small member expert panel,” which, really, come on. Who wants to be an expert in this field, let alone have everyone know you’re an expert?

If, for some reason, you’re anxious for people to judge you, giggle at you or gasp in disbelief at the diminutive stature of your midget member, you should be prepared to compete in a talent, evening and swimsuit competition. A talent competition involving the penis sounds more than slightly X-rated, but this may be the only venue where you can display that talent without getting arrested or being disowned by your embarrassed mother.

Contestants must be 21 and on hand when the pageant (pageant? Is that the appropriate word?) takes place.

To keep the competition fair, organizers will make everyone competing wear standard-issue underpants. Pity the intern in charge of making sure they’re not stuffing.

Whoever emerges as the champion will receive a crown, the coveted title of “2013 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” and a cash prize, which we strongly recommend go towards enhancement surgery. After all, this doesn’t seem like a title anyone should want to defend in 2014.

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