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Sliced Bread, Cats & The Virginity of Luke Skywalker

The best thing since sliced bread? Isn’t it about time to come up some new shit to describe really awesome stuff? Sure, sliced bread is convenient and easier than a Tijuana whore, but in the grand scheme of things, it has nothing on a whole slew of other really cool stuff. If we were being honest with ourselves, a more appropriate saying would be, “that was the best thing since watching Sports Center in my underwear”.  That would be cool to go around saying, right? Sliced bread was a wonderful innovation in its day, but c’mom, that was before squeezable Cheese Whiz, DVR, porn and porn on DVR. It’s time to celebrate the advancement of technology and leave sliced bread at the grocery store.

While we’re trying to fix overrated things, let’s do something about cats.  I know some of you are real cat lovers, so I apologize in advance.  But, they’re lazy, disobedient and they sleep more than most teenage pot-heads.  They’re hairball coughing demons who would just assume claw your eyes out while you sleep than acknowledge you.  Most James Bond villains didn’t even have guns, they had cats.  That should say something!  O.K. so they’re independent and low-maintenance, but are those the big selling points for cats.

I can see it now.  A family shopping for a new family pet at a pet store.

Person shopping for a new pet:  “I just don’t know what to get”

Cat:  “Hey, meow, look at me.  I can shit in a box!”

Person shopping for a new pet: “Wow!  Let’s take him home.  He’s perfect.”

Speaking of perfect, I watched a few Star Wars movies this weekend.  It came to my attention after episodes IV and V that Luke Skywalker was a real p*ssy.  O.K. settle down, I know that’s kinda blasphemous, but c’mon.  Did he ever stop whining about anything?  Nobody likes that guy.  As soon as he walks into the cantina at Mos Eisley, everyone automatically hates him. The pig-faced guy tells him, “I don’t like you” and the dude with a nut sack attached to his face isn’t too fond of him either.  It was a revelation that upset me to the core.  One of my childhood’s most famous heroes was a big, whiny, panty-wearing, jack wagon.   Thoughts were racing through my head; “How did we miss this?”, “Was he always this way or did George Lucas make him that way for the special edition?”  The questions were endless and I had no answers.  All I could think of was how Luke really needed to get laid.  And then it hit me…Luke Skywalker was a virgin!  A one-handed, bastard-child, virgin Jedi!  No wonder he was such a whiny little bitch.  The only thing Luke ever shot a load into was a womp rat with his T-16 back home.

We never see Luke in any sexual situations. I know what you’re saying, “We never see anyone having sex in the original trilogy”.  Point well made, but do you expect me to believe that Han Solo was a virgin.  He was a badass.  A smuggler known throughout the galaxy.  I’m sure he was hittin’ a little somethin’ at every port.  As for Chewie, he was a carpet covered pimp with a 12″ and I don’t mean crossbow.  Han and Chewie had no morals or Jedi Code to live by.  Jedi believed that attachments led to emotions and emotions led to the Darkside.  And since we know that marriage was a no-no for Jedi we can only assume that sex was banned as well.  What a bunch of bantha fodder.  Is it possible that Luke was laying his wood all over Tatooine while living with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru?  Doubtful.  They rarely let him off the damn moisture farm and how ironic is that?  The only moisture Luke ever got was at the farm.  What the f*ck is a moisture farm anyway?  He was like Tatooine’s emo kid only he wore white and never cut himself.  Because he was such a puss.

I’m sure that from emo, moisture kid all the way to Jedi master, the only action Luke ever saw was when he kissed his sister.  Maybe he just didn’t know how.  Maybe he had no game.  Maybe he didn’t own any panty dropping Max Rebo albums, I just don’t know.  What I do know is that there is no try, there is do and do not and Luke definitely did not.

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