6 Reasons No One Should Be Moving to Midland/Odessa Right Now

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Secret Police

 

It’s a commonly known fact that our area has an elite squad of former mercenaries and CIA operatives now serving as secret police patrolling our neighborhoods looking for any opportunity to harass residents about our love of traditional aboriginal music and persecute us for our religious beliefs (all native Midland/Odessians are devout Pastafarianists who attend The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster).  They harass our beloved Pastafarian ministers while they work in the spaghetti fields and they confiscate our didgeridoo’s during the daily Macaroni Mass.

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J.A.D.E H.E.L.M.

 

Back in 2015 the world theorized that Jade Helm was actually a very long acronym for some sort of military related group getting ready to announce the implementation of Marshall Law that Walmart was closing stores down temporarily in order for them to use their stores as base camps.  It’s true there were Walmart’s in both Midland and Odessa that closed its doors abruptly under the guise of “plumbing issues” in order to allow the Jade Helm group use of their facilities.  What the world has never known is the truth behind what J.A.D.E H.E.L.M. actually stands for.

Jugging Astronauts for the Disenfranchisement of Electrologists  Hazing Extremely Extra Land Mermaids (the E counts for both Extremely and Extra). It’s true, there was a dark time in our area when our growing population of extremely extra land mermaids were ran out of town by this radical group of juggling astronauts running around spreading their anti-Electrologist propaganda.  An Electrologist is a person trained to remove unwanted hair on the body or face or small blemishes on the skin by a method that involves the application of heat using an electric current.  We were some harry, pimply people back then but the Jade Helm group moved on and the extremely extra land mermaids came out of hiding once they were able to get waxed on a regular basis. We thought we were in the clear until recently. We’re told the group has been digging underground tunnels making their way back in to our peacefully, fully waxed, blemish free, land mermaid friendly community.

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Never any road construction

 

We haven’t seen any kind of road construction in decades.  The streets are never blocked or backed up with traffic and there are never any detours tacking on extra time to our already short, stress fee drive.

When you’re late to something there’s no excuse, it’s downright un-American.

 

Bodies of water

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The Midland/Odessa area is known for its many various rivers, lakes and swimming holes, over 30….

There’s Lake Nadawata, Rio Minusculo, Empty Springs Municipal Pool, Lake Issadry, L.B.T.(Lake Barley There) and Lake Dryvie just to name a few.

The two towns, Midland and Odessa, are basically 75% water and only 25% land.  Because of the demand for aquatic transportation the boat dealerships aren’t able to keep their inventory stocked resulting in a massive boat shortage, which as you know is just debilitating for the towns.

Gross amount of events and local activities

 

There are concerts every night of the week and in every genre of music, Metallica, Justin Timberlake, Bon Jovi, Imagine Dragons, Post Malone, Eminem, Rascal Flatts, Slayer, Lamb of God, Blake Shelton, Taylor Swift….

The constant parade of events, Cirque De Sole, Blue Man Group, The Running of the Bull…dogs, The National Disc Golf Pro Tour… Not to mention all the laser tag, paint ball, go cart, miniature golf and indoor trampoline facilities that keep popping up everywhere.  Just last week we had a two day Marvel Comic festival extravaganza…. I’m still pulling synthetic webs out of my trees and sweeping chimichangas out of my drive way.

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Empty Mansions

 

Everyone in Midland/Odessa lives in a pimped out mansion but it took the builders several try’s for each buyer to meet all the preferred specifications so now there are hundreds of never lived in empty mansions.  Occasionally some of us will switch mansions every few months so the mansion builder companies don’t get their feelings hurt but it’s such a hassle getting used to a new size of pool and a different amount of floors and having to redecorate a man cave every time.  It’s exhausting making sure all the hot tubs get used regularly and keeping the home theaters stocked with movies and popcorn.  It’s truly a pain but the look of pride on the mansion builders faces makes it all worth it, but I still wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

 

Just kidding…..

 

  • We only have regular police they and rarely harass our Pastafarian Ministers, never interrupt our Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster services and you’ll be glad to know no harm came to any didgeridoo’s during the writing of this blog.
  • The Walmart’s closed temporarily for repairs that were long overdue, let’s face it folks, we tore those bathrooms up.
  • There’s never NOT some kind of road construction somewhere.
  • Although there may be a large percentage of the population in this area that own boats and other aquatic recreational vehicles, there isn’t a decent body of water for miles….unless you count the duck pond…and we don’t.
  • We don’t show up for the events that our area has which leads to fewer and fewer events which leads to the community saying “there’s never anything to do here” which is a direct result of the lack of support for local events. It’s a vicious cycle.
  • The average person is lucky to be able to afford to buy a one room run down shack.