20 Things I’ve Learned from the Rio Olympics
Well, the Olympics are over so it’s “Goodbye women’s beach volley” and “Hello again PornHub”. Here are twenty things that I didn’t know before the Olympics that I know now.
Michael Phelps has got to be part dolphin . . . and Ryan Lochte is ALL jackass
Ryan Seacrest sounds as natural talking about sports as my grandmother does talking about Fetty Wap.
If women’s rugby teams wore what the beach volleyball players wear, it would literally be porn.
Boxing is still the most corrupt sport even when the mafia’s not involved.
Apparently, weightlifters (male and female) train by lifting Big Macs to their mouths.
You can be considered a world-class athlete…for SHOOTING A B.B. GUN!
Horses CAN look and act gay.
To make things fair, people racing against Usain Bolt from now on should be able to DRIVE.
According to a lot of people on Facebook, Ryan Lochte is just a kid cuttin’ loose and havin’ fun. But Gabby Douglas is an unpatriotic thug
On a related note, it is no longer acceptable to stand respectfully while the National Anthem is being played. You must have your hand over your heart or you are an ISIS sympathizer
Volleyball Players have the best physiques.
Marathon runners have the worst.
If you get robbed, don’t tell the cops. Especially if the cops are the ones who robbed you.
Somehow Mike Tirico is whiter than Bob Costas.
No matter what happens, we’ll NEVER forget Olympic heroes like Michael Phelps, that black swimmer chick, the guy who won in that running thing and Simone What’s-Her-Name.
Archery may be the only thing on NBC more tedious than Hollywood Game Night.
Synchronized diving is so gay…it looks like the world’s most artistic gay suicide pact.
Ryan Lochte and his teammates failed in the synchronized alibis event.
At least 20% of Americans now have a rough idea of where Brazil is on the globe
Ryan Lochte isn’t an idiot. He’s a COLOSSAL idiot.